Stepping stone

How do I dig
out of this HOLE
where I willingly
went to fetch you
when you fell, so hard
so fast.
You grasp my hand
and then climbed out
over my body
pressing my flesh into
the black mud
and leaving me
like so much
old trash. . .

Parum Nex

I walk through fire
never burning or feeling heat
I carry the weight of
my world
and do not stumble
I am the paragon of
strength and courage
navigating more than any
one
woman
should endure.

But, each day another
chip breaks away and
small drops of
pain
slip down my face
each one a monument
to
the small losses
that have passed
with no stone
or cross
or grave
to mark their exit

Rights

Once you have a child
you give up
certain rights. . .
some are obvious
like
the right to just take off
and go to the movies
without planning or thinking about it
or
the right to go to the bathroom
without a knock on the door
or
the right to buy only the toys
you want for yourself
or
the right to sleep through the night
when there are monsters under the bed.

But the biggest right you willingly hand over
is the right
to self-destruct
because someone
counts on you and
only you

So you pick yourself up
and dust off and
move forward and realize
that the privilege of being the
Mother
is worth it all.

Parenting is

being there
even when you would rather be somewhere else
just in case
a tooth aches
or a throat hurts
or a nightmare interrupts sleep . . .
Parenting is
not about YOU
it is about HER
just as you promised her it would be
a heartbeat ago
when she lay, wrapped in a blanket
in your arms looking up with
trust and love.

She still looks up that way
and every time she looks
and you are not there
a piece of her dies
I hope your new life is worth it. . . .

Re-Building

From the rubble of what was my sanctuary
I am building
piece by piece
brick by brick
I seek out those that can
support their own
weight
one by one
they stack
form and shape taking
but
it is too soon to tell
the final product. . .
Is it is Bridge
or a Wall?

Referral Wanted

I've heard that the science
of beating the blues

has improved
since the days of
ice baths
and seizures
and that
electroshock treatment
can jumpstart a brain
back into a positive mode
. . . .
I know the old way could almost
erase
the offending memories
have they fixed that?
I hope not.
I want a blank slate
a few missing years
relieving me of the pain
of remembering
my sins
and your pain
and replacing it with
nothing. . . .

Truth in Advertising, Part 2

Used 46 year old
non-beauty queen
with trust issues
seeks someone
who can see past

a hard bumpy protective shell

to the soft parts inside

Truth in Advertising

40-something teenage male
seeking 20-something
chick with perfect hourglass shape
and even more perfect BJ technique
Must also have
NO expectations and
even fewer standards
to help me recapture
that Youth I missed
while I was raising my younger siblings
and running interference with
my mother's alcoholic boyfriends.
I want fun, fun, fun - -

so if you want anything more

don't call me. . . . .

Inevitable Accident

I once saw
a truck
hit a child
she dashed to cross
the street
just this much
too far ahead
of her Mother's protective grasp.

In that moment,
I was
struck helpless
watching
the slow motion
collision of flesh and bone and metal.

It is a sensation
I cannot forget.

Now,
as I watch You
race to collide with
the inevitable
I am again
struck helpless.

No Return, No Refund

You seem surprised
to open your own chest
and find
it is still there
bruised but beating
thrum. . . thrum. . . thrum
next to your own
Heart - -
it echoes life
back to me
across the distance
but it remains
with You
as always. . . .

Past Imperfect

No matter
how fast
or how far
you run. . .
it is always there
with you
the Monster
under Your Bed

No amount of paint, or gloss, or shine
can cover its ugliness
No amount of cotton stuffed in your ears
can quell its howls
No amount of cologne and mouthwash
can soften the acrid odor it leaves
No protective clothing, no kevlar, no metal plates
can ward of its sharp points and edges

The Monster will still be there
until you
turn
and FACE it
and walk into the FEAR and PAIN

and as you open your eyes
you will discover that once faced
the power is lost
and you are
truly FREE . . . .

She Knows NO. . .

"You never say no to her"
or so it seems. . .

But yes I do
the BIG
NO
writ larger than
those about
things
and adventures
and fun

The BIG NO
was said
to her
NO
you do not get
parents who show you how to LOVE
in the way that lasts
FOR
ever

No - to family camping trips
No - to embarassment from parental kisses in front
of friends
No - to honouring promises
No - to working out what does not work
and replacing it with something that does
No - to starting back at square ONE and rebuilding
if that is
what it takes

She has had too many of the BIG ones

No - your grandpa is gone and isn't coming back
No - your grandma is gone and isn't coming back
NO YOUR SAFE FAMILY IS GONE
and isn't coming back

So, as I see it
there are not enough YESes to make up
for that. . .
She already knows NO

Style

When did you grow into
a style all your own?

Your new clothes reflect the
YOU that is emerging from the
baby face smile
the lines lengthen from
growth and age
and from the raw materials
you create
a unique YOU.

Absolution

Today I am queen, mother goddess and all things divine
and for that one moment
I grant You
pardon for your sins
and send you forth to
Sin No More.

Care Package

I pack up each small piece
of that life
wrapping things that once
meant
wishing I could
box up memories
like so much
glass and plastic
leave them on Good
Will's
doorstep
where claimed
they are given
new breath.

Unpacked

Cowards

Standing at the edge
and staring out
and down
We were overtaken by
the sheerness of the drop - -
the depth obscured by
clouds, numinous in their presence.
The Voice (of god?)
begged us to trust
and jump
but we could not hear it over
the shrieks of our own fears.
We broke faith and ran
lost in the
dark.
Now, I stand alone
and see clearly the
soft, safe peace that would have been.

Heavy

Love always
Love all
ways
Love all
weighs

Drugstore Indian

Your anger
boils at a low simmer
filling the air between with
steam
thick and sticky
obscuring daylight.

I want to ask you
why
you are so mad
at me
haven't I done what you asked?
Freed you from the chain
of your love for me?

But you do not acknowledge
the anger
or any emotion
you have become
another wooden indian
standing in the door
of the drugstore
wearing the Red
of Colonial Times
as armour against
your savage self.

No, you say nothing
and will just nurse your
anger and
drop diatribes veiled as
helpful hints
that only help
the beat me further down.

How would I know?

Somewhere we forgot to
talk
To tell the truths we kept only for each other
and then one day
You
dropped the
shell that exploded

And I was supposed to just pick up
the pieces of life
and move on

Because I no longer
Turned you on
Turned you in
Turned your head

But
how would I know
you wanted something different
did it not occur to you
That maybe I did, too.

That maybe I wanted you
to turn
me on to new things
that we could find
together as we used to
when
everything was
new
and we still
Looked
at each other
and not away.

Emotional Growth Plates

I feel a cracking and stretching

the growth plate in my heart
quivers
and shakes
and like the
Grinch
I feel
it
expanding
to a size and shape
never before known

it is a place for you
to hide
safe
all you have to do
is enter

More marriages die

from sins of omission
than those of commission

So I find forgiveness
for those sins which were mine
and yours
and ours

And vow next time
to hit the mark

Spoils

I see now that it
started
the first time she flirted with you
jesting, smiling,
telling you secrets as a friend
a confidant
who could help save her
from herself. . .
but really she was only testing you
to see if you were ripe
to be picked
like all the others she
had eaten and then
spit
out in pieces
left to rot.

War Zone

I turn away from the dead place where
Your Heart once beat strong with
compassion and joy.
You deny the pain and the damage done
by holding in the radioactive tears
a man such as You
does not shed
even as they trace blistered trails
down the inside of Your cheeks,
burning Your very core.

Helplessly those around you watch ~~
Your luminous soul
crumbles, charred and black before us
needing only the rain of
true feeling to restore its shimmer.

We cannot save You - -
our tears do not touch
what is burnt.

So, we chant prayers
to the God you have lost
~ seeking a miracle
~ a healing for You.

Memos from the Universe

The Divine does for each of us
what we cannot
or will not do
for ourselves.

Gently at first
the message
whispered softly to us from afar.

As we turn away -
resisting the pull of
Grace . . .
it grows from a distant hum
to a booming siren
tearing at our ears,
a blazing beacon
burning our eyes,
a sudden heaving
of the very earth on which we stand.

As the air quiets, the sky fades
and the earth calms
we are left to find
the broken shards
and are challenged to rebuild
by the Divine.

Evolution

Once I stood awash
unable to release the
Vision
I had created
of all that We should have been. . .

Clearly now,
I see where I am
growing to emerge anew
my Sole Soul
intact
but Blessed and forever marked
by the Love
that is all that remains and
all I will recall.

Spring

Prayer

Mother Goddess
nurturer of my Soul
heal the ache within
me
and show to me
the Path
You would have me walk
to do Your will and
Live the life
You have ordained for
me.

I give to You my
pain, worries, fears
plans, hopes, dreams
and know
You will guardsafe
that which is Sacred
and release into dust
that which is Profane.

Love Demands

Love demands
that I set you free
Love demands
that I pray for your joy and happiness
Love demands
that I set my grievances aside
Love demands
that I heal my own wounds
and let you heal yours

Love demands
but I agree
that it is only through
LOVE that I will find
Peace.

Busy

Every minute that you
CHOOSE
not to spend with
Her (who was once the angel of your world)
is GONE
like dandilion wishes in the
Chinook
You will never get it back
or collect at a later date
because it is a debt that is not owed to you
It is a debt you have accumulates
but that
She will pay.

Narcissistic You

Not everything is
About you
Right now
Can you not see that
I have had
Significant losses that
Supercede the loss of you
In fact although
Sometimes I cry
Tears for the loss of US
I also cry for deeper hurt and loss but you
Can only see

YOU

Chasing Shadows

As I sort through the remains of
almost twenty years
Eye
see images and reminders that
Eye
try to bring into focus
in my Minds I
but all I see are shadows cast
by the sun at midday
barely perceiveable around the
object that has cast it.



But is the play of light and dark
a ghost or a halo?

A spectre of something dead and gone
or
the holy evidence of the Divine?

Lust

What is that feeling
stirring where none was
for what seems like so long?

An animal heat that has
NOTHING to do with
intimacy or love or trust
&
EVERYTHING to do with
want and need and urge.

Tears

Tonight I am crying, once again,
like an infant
I am crying for my Mommy
to take away the hurt
inflicted by yet another playground bully
But Mom is gone
forever
and I must dry my own tears.

He Done Is Him

He done
~ with family
~ with me
~ with work on the hard stuff
~ with promises
~ with the boring
~ with the mundane
~ with all things real

Now
~ fast cars
~ lean horses
~ hot women
~ no commitments
~ playtime, all the time
~ things, things, things
Is Him

He-don-is-m: Hedonism is the philosophy that pleasure is the most important pursuit

Urge

The urge comes again

to run

to leave

to hide

to erase what has become



I lay down

close my eyes

and

find the reason

and strength

to stay.

Definition

You are there
in Wikipedia
writ LARGE
by society's collective wisdom

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-life_crisis#Characteristics

But do I believe the reality before me or
see it simply as a
way out
of an act
you are now tired of playing.

Perhaps the answer is more
clearly

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/15/health/15mind.html

Closing Night

The auditions have begun
for my replacement
one by one
the parade of candidates
their auras awash in
pheromones
and fragrance
legs long and lean
hair that moves like silken waves
in the sun
curves of hip and thigh
unmarred by age and life
to rouse what I no longer can

I slink quietly to the side
and fade into the twilight
old, used and worn out
and I wonder
am I recycleable?

Could I be retouched
like the photographs
in the pin up
magazines - - -
Repackaged like an old
product
for a new market - - -
Made unreal in an attempt
to once more find something
real?

Do not erase

the Beauty of you
the rough edges and scars
make you the unique work of
Art and Love
that fills my dreams
three dimensional warmth
soft and hard
dark and light
One in Five Billion
just the way you are

Trust

I have lost trust
in so much
I took for granted
- love
- promises
- myself

I fall waiting for the bottom
but
there is no landing
hard or soft
there is only space
where Trust
used to be.

Mixed Outcomes

I miss. . .
- - - watching movies curled up on the sofa
- - - walking quietly through the trees
- - - the warmth of your body in the night
- - - the way you finish my sentences
- - - going new places, seeing new sights
- - - taking chances I would never imagine
- - - having someone to trust with my soul
- - - a soft place to land when I fall
- - - laughing about our crazy families
- - - crying at our losses
- - - celebrating our successes, great and small
- - - watching you sleep




But, on the bright side,

I do not expect much anymore - -

unwashed dishes and unmade beds are mine alone
coming home to a cooked dinner only happens when I plan ahead
and set up the crockpot
I know I will be the one to tuck her in, wake her up and take her where she
needs to be
I will be the one to answer her questions - - even when the answer is
I don't know. . .

Ten

She looks at sheets of paper
and sees airbourne stunt flyers

She looks at words on pages
and travels to fantastical worlds

She talks to my old Ted E Bear
and finds a loyal, lovable friend

Her questions range from the
mundane - - - - when are we eating?

To the funny - - - - if you were an animal, Mom, what kind would you be?

To the scientific - - - - why does vinegar smell like that?

To the unanswerable - - - - can we ALL go camping: you, me and dad?

Her face shows a glimpse of the woman she is
becoming
serene and beautiful and intelligent
beneath the long limbs that sometimes trip her up
and the forehead worried with
timetables
and essays
and the challenges of
friendships taking on new depth.

I want to hold her and keep her safe
from the World
of loss
and pain
and all that comes
with
being Ten.

Tattoo

Eighteen years of inked messages etched
across my skin like tattoos

each a mark of the journey
I have travelled with
you.



My body is marked with the memory of us

in the places you once touched and loved

and in the place She grew and came to life

and emerged separate and unique

Maybe that is why I cannot

wipe the past away with a damp cloth
or trade it away

like a used car

or give it to charity

like an outgrown suit

because for me

it is part of my very body

the lights and darks
sewn into me like the threads of a quilt
scars and marks of
motherhood and wifehood and family
I can not erase those marks
without erasing who I am and how I came to be
and so I will bear this tattoo forever

Conversations with God

So, apparently I was the
Answer
to a prayer
so many years ago when
I did NOT believe in prayer or its power

Now, converted, I realize it is like
Gravity
and belief does not matter
it IS

So now I pray
not for reconciliation
but for healing
and direction
and my own answer

Unsent Vent

The following are my sins for which I ask forgiveness:
I let myself get fat and ugly.
I stopped being fun. I nagged too much.
I did not hold you accountable enough and did too much.
I was not passionate enough and did not make you the centre of my world enough.
I was not neat enough -- I am a poor housekeeper.
I did not earn enough money.
I was too bitchy.
I believed too much.
I chased you and MADE you marry me.
I cry too much -- in fact I'm doing it right now.
I supported you too much in being a cop.
I didn't support you enough in being a cop.
I held on too long.
I let go too soon.

- - - - save as “Draft”

Do NOT send. . . .

Train Wreck

The intersection of
Past - - Present - - Future
Where the collision leaves
Broken dreams along with scattered evidence of life
Littering the scene into the horizon

Can the passengers be saved?



2007/10/21
ERO

RED

RED
the colour of
hate
anger
blood
serge


I hate what you have become
but
my anger is at the RED
and
I would shed my blood
to give you back
your Soul.

Education

So the lessons we are
teaching her
are these:
love ends
men don't feel
promises and commitment are disposable
adults don't solve problems - they leave them behind.

But,
I will let YOU
teach her,
as you are teaching me.

I want her to learn
feelings matter
challenges can be met
adults can be trusted.

Confusion

It would be easier
if
you yelled,
screamed,
hit,
with fists and words

but you don't

you just withdraw
and leave me
empty.

Threes

Deaths, they say,
come in
threes. . .

And so it goes
- my husband's soul
- my marriage
- my mother

And now I
take the Hand of
LIFE
and walk on . . . .