Tyler Glenn -- Shameless

I am sitting here SOBBING at the TRUTH of this young man - - a young man who could easily have been the son of one of my childhood friends and who I want to HUG because, dammit, ‪#‎Shameless‬. 

I have seen the broken souls of the Babyboom LBGTQ human beings 

in the Most Mormon Town North of the 49th. 

Yes, even then, I saw behind 

Your acts and the carefully crafted performances 

where 

You would shoehorn your beautiful, amazing, kaleidoscope selves 

into 

the button down white shirts and the knee length skirts of conformity. 

Diving deep into the scriptural stew to obliterate Your LIGHT and 

replace it with the sad glow of florescence. 

You have repeated the mantras and magic words learned in childhood, 

hoping the incantations will open the drawbridge 

leading 

to the elusive bright-white Celestial Perfection. 

Ask no questions. 

Tell no lies. 

Years. 

Decades. 

You have stuffed the cognitive dissonance so far down 

buried it under new generations of Miracles. 

And You did not. 

Bowing out early, leaving Your families in shrouded silent secret 

buried under marble sheets. 

But to those of You who survived know this: 

what You did to live was okay. 

You can stay safe within your crafted pantomime. 

But KNOW 

please 

just KNOW:  

You were seen and loved. 

I saw You. 

MotherFatherUniverse saw You. 

And LOVED 

That is the only Real Thing.

For my Sister . . .

You taught me the earliest lesson of Family
Distance means nothing between hearts
and
Two weeks of Magic can sustain 50 more.
Summer 
equaled YOU
with towering hair and painted nails
and stories of fantasical places.
Eyes sparkling blue with 
mischief of Other
burrowing into the cocoon of my childhood.
Teaching me in so many ways
that LIFE existed beyond.
And, in absence, you sent  --
carried by dead presidents -- blue ink lines
on paper to fill
the 50 weeks of gone.
Punctuated by the sharp ring of
black, wall-tethered words over wires
to hold news too large to be carried in 
an envelope.

As I was perched on the edge of grown,
you signed me up for a
monthly magic show of
words and images.
The author even carried your name - - 
speaking about demanding change
and a Voice.
I clung to those pages,
a talisman against the sea of sameness
that swirled around, 
trying to swallow my Soul, 
giving me the courage to 
scream "NO" and became the
small-town epitome of DIFFERENT,
a fighter in a Revolution
lead by women named Gloria.

Years beyond I alone stand
a Bridge between generations
looking both back 
and beyond tomorrow.
The daemons that chased 
your Spirit wedged their way
through the cracks,
stealing you away into Darkness,
occasional streaks of light
both hotter and brighter than
the Sun until, at long last, 
the weight of the journey
brought you down.

Now I stand to say, THANK YOU -
for setting my course
and telling me I had a voice,
quietly demanding 
I use it
and not hide from
honeyed-words that,
in an instant, turn sharp
as a dagger
only defeated by speaking the
Truth.

. . . . . 

Death and Rebirth

Just as I was ready to
lay
down and die
the loss so great I could not
bear the weight
A miracle lifted me above
myself and I saw
the Road to Peace
and I chose
a different path.

Walls

The fear springs up
in a silent flash
even before I realize
I am enclosed
safe but
untouchable.

Sticky

Funny the stuff that
STICKS
camouflagued to blend into the fabric
is that the day to day
until a sudden glint of light reflects
what I had managed to forget. . .
my failed attempts to remove
the offending reminder are
revived and I try a new, better cleanser
that only mars the background and leaves
the stain vividly bright and raw once more. . .

Mirror

The Who I am
stands in stark contrast to who I see
looking into my eyes
from under roots of silver and lines
traced by years I let slip through my fingers
like so much sand at the beach

Mother Bear

You chose ME
because you knew
I would
protect HER. . .
you saw my role model
the Mother Bear
who put her cubs before
EVERYTHING and EVERYONE
and you knew
you wouldn't be around
to keep her safe
so
you chose me and now
I am
the Mother Bear. . .

No longer do I ask
'why did you leave?'

I see where you have gone
back to the safey of a childhood
'normal'
filled with conflict and drama and pain
just like Home.

Now I only can ask
'why did you stay so long?'

Cold

Yesterday
I woke up cold
blankets on the floor
wondering when they had fallen
off

Then I
noticed that I
could move again and
breathe in freely once again

I am free.

Last Aid

Those first lessons
the ones that
burn deep in the skin and soul and heart
the lessons of leaving
of betrayal
the wound the oozes raw beneath the shield
agony ignored and assauged with a panacea
of quick fixes and momentary thrills
I watch you run
trying to escape
your truth is
tattooed on your Soul
and it keeps pace at your side.

When you can no longer bear the
weight of the pain
I will be waiting
with the balm
that will heal all.

Elephant

It sits quietly
basking in the sun of a
New Spring
silent and unnamed
as we dance
carefully avoiding the
rising piles of
excrement
the smell stings ~~
the air pungent with
the unsaid
as realization dawns
I turn and find
all exits
blocked.

Atonement

You are foregiven
even before you ask
because I see
only
Your Innocence
and
I know that it is only
in Forgiving
that I am Forgiven
and that is all
I seek.

Embarkation

Once again I take
the Road
Less Traveled
it is not the one that
others would choose
were they me;
or where You have me go,
if I gave You that choice ~
I know not where it leads
to solitude or unity
but the Peace it holds
calls me quietly
and I
Know
I must go. . .

Stepping stone

How do I dig
out of this HOLE
where I willingly
went to fetch you
when you fell, so hard
so fast.
You grasp my hand
and then climbed out
over my body
pressing my flesh into
the black mud
and leaving me
like so much
old trash. . .

Parum Nex

I walk through fire
never burning or feeling heat
I carry the weight of
my world
and do not stumble
I am the paragon of
strength and courage
navigating more than any
one
woman
should endure.

But, each day another
chip breaks away and
small drops of
pain
slip down my face
each one a monument
to
the small losses
that have passed
with no stone
or cross
or grave
to mark their exit

Rights

Once you have a child
you give up
certain rights. . .
some are obvious
like
the right to just take off
and go to the movies
without planning or thinking about it
or
the right to go to the bathroom
without a knock on the door
or
the right to buy only the toys
you want for yourself
or
the right to sleep through the night
when there are monsters under the bed.

But the biggest right you willingly hand over
is the right
to self-destruct
because someone
counts on you and
only you

So you pick yourself up
and dust off and
move forward and realize
that the privilege of being the
Mother
is worth it all.

Parenting is

being there
even when you would rather be somewhere else
just in case
a tooth aches
or a throat hurts
or a nightmare interrupts sleep . . .
Parenting is
not about YOU
it is about HER
just as you promised her it would be
a heartbeat ago
when she lay, wrapped in a blanket
in your arms looking up with
trust and love.

She still looks up that way
and every time she looks
and you are not there
a piece of her dies
I hope your new life is worth it. . . .

Re-Building

From the rubble of what was my sanctuary
I am building
piece by piece
brick by brick
I seek out those that can
support their own
weight
one by one
they stack
form and shape taking
but
it is too soon to tell
the final product. . .
Is it is Bridge
or a Wall?

Referral Wanted

I've heard that the science
of beating the blues

has improved
since the days of
ice baths
and seizures
and that
electroshock treatment
can jumpstart a brain
back into a positive mode
. . . .
I know the old way could almost
erase
the offending memories
have they fixed that?
I hope not.
I want a blank slate
a few missing years
relieving me of the pain
of remembering
my sins
and your pain
and replacing it with
nothing. . . .

Truth in Advertising, Part 2

Used 46 year old
non-beauty queen
with trust issues
seeks someone
who can see past

a hard bumpy protective shell

to the soft parts inside